What REALLY happened during Ocarina of Time
by Kaima
Summary: Yes, it's been done before, but its so FUN! Anyway, Link and Navi...with an attitude. SCENE SEVEN UP!
1. Scene One

Scene 1  
  
Deku Tree: Hey Navi, go get Link.  
  
Navi: Who?  
  
DT: LINK! THE DUDE THAT LIVES IN THE TREE!  
  
Navi: They all live in trees.  
  
DT: Do I have to do everything myself? Go find the dude without a fairy!!!!  
  
Navi: ~mumbling~ he can't move..he's just a stick in the mud. ~flies off~ (in Link's house)  
  
Navi: Hey farthead, get outta bed!  
  
Link: I don't wanna go to school today I wanna stay home and bake cookies with you.  
  
Navi: Freak! Get outta bed! I'm a fairy! I can't make cookies! You should worship my presence! You haven't had a fairy! Now you do! BOW BEFORE ME!  
  
Link: Did you fart?  
  
Navi: YES! I mean, no! Get up and let's move! That stick in the mud needs you.  
  
Link: The Deku tree?  
  
Navi: Yeah, whatever.  
  
(go outside, see Saria)  
  
Saria: Hey honey, how you doing?  
  
Link: Saria, we broke up two months ago!!!  
  
Saria: But baby.  
  
Link: Look. After I saw you making out with all three of the Know-It-All brothers - at the same time - I think I had reason enough to leave!  
  
Saria: But I so lonely.  
  
Link: Mido adores you. Go take him to your Sacred Forest Meadow and amuse yourselves.  
  
(Saria walks off in a huff. Link walks to go to Deku Tree. No appearance from Mido, who has mysteriously vanished.Deku Baba jumps from ground. Link unarmed.)  
  
Link: (kicking it) Hey you overgrown excuse for a tulip! Get outta my way!  
  
Navi: YEAH!  
  
(Deku Baba eats Navi. From inside, we hear muffled mumbling. Link performs mouth-to-mouth on the Deku Baba. Navi comes out, Deku Baba dies.)  
  
Navi: Link did you brush your teeth this morning?  
  
Link: Uh.no  
  
Navi: No wonder the tulip croaked! Get a tic-tac!  
  
(in presence of Deku tree)  
  
DT: Took you long enough I want my cheese pizza right now.  
  
Navi: Shut up, you dumb overgrown thornbush!  
  
DT: Make me, you diminuitized firefly! Link, go kill the disease inside me!  
  
Link: Heck no! I ain't going inside you, your breath is probably worse than mine! Probably haven't brushed, in like, a century!  
  
Navi: How does a tree brush it's teeth? He doesn't have any.  
  
Link: That's why he ain't got none, he hadn't brushed.  
  
(DT opens mouth)  
  
DT: Just go!  
  
(Mario walks in with Kokiri sword and shield. Humming Mario song.)  
  
Mario:..don't tell me, wrong game again.  
  
Link: Uh..yeah. Three games down. But leave my sword and shield.  
  
Mario: I paid 40 rupees for that thing!  
  
Link: LEAVE IT!  
  
(grumbling Mario leaves it to Link) Link: Let's get this over with.someone get me a gas mask.  
  
And so ends Scene 1 


	2. Scene Two

Scene 2: Long scene with Zelda  
  
Link: I go in the Deku Tree and all I get is shiny green stone!  
  
Navi: It's a very pretty shiny stone, but I didn't get anything! Now I have to follow you around everywhere!  
  
Link: At least you don't have to save the world.  
  
Navi: Look! There's Saria! Is this bridge stable, 'cause if it isn't I'm not gonna cross.  
  
Link: It's stable, but why are you worrying? You can fly!  
  
Navi: Oh yeah. I forgot.  
  
Saria: Hi Link! I heard you were leaving, so I went and bribed Mido to buy me this Ocarina thingy so I could give it to you as present.  
  
Link: Looks like a baby pig to me. Besides, I'm not gonna go back out with you!  
  
Saria: Ah drat!  
  
Link: ~takes baby pig looking thingy and runs away~  
  
Owl that just happens to be perched on a tree just outside of Kokiri forest: Where are you going Link?  
  
Link: Hey! How did you know my name?  
  
Owl: Internet. Hey! Rock candy!  
  
Link: What?  
  
Owl: (swoops down and takes the green shiny stone thingy and eats it) Yum!  
  
Navi: Now you don't have anything from the great Deku tree!  
  
Link: Who cares? Let's go see princess Zelda.  
  
Navi: Now you sound like me!  
  
(Enter Hyrule Castle)  
  
Link: Excuse me Mr. Guard, but can I go through?  
  
Guard: NO! THIS IS MY GATE AND NONE SHALL PASS!  
  
Link: Well fine then!  
  
Navi: Hey, there's some vines over there you can climb!  
  
Link: And a girl!  
  
Navi: Yeah.and vines.  
  
Link: And a girl!  
  
Navi: VINES!  
  
Link: GIRL!  
  
(Link walks over to Malon)  
  
Link: Well, hello. How are you this fine evening?  
  
Malon: Kiss me.  
  
Link: Okay.  
  
(They proceed to do so)  
  
Navi: Will you two stop acting like immature teenagers?  
  
Link: (muffled) I am an immature teenager!  
  
(After awhile, they stop)  
  
Malon: For that, you may have my chicken egg. Use it to wake up my stupid father.  
  
Link: Will you marry me in 7 years?  
  
Malon: Sure!  
  
(Navi rolls eyes. Link climbs up vines)  
  
Link: How am I supposed to get by these nimwits?  
  
Navi: I don't know, maybe it involves NOT MAKING ANY LONG TERM COMMITMENTS!  
  
Link: Shut up. I can avoid these idiots.  
  
(Link zigzags past guards. Then he comes to Talon.)  
  
Link: Look at this old geezer. He'll be my father-in-law someday! Hey my chicken egg cracked!  
  
Navi: That's not the only thing that's cracked!  
  
Link: I will say it again. Shut up.  
  
(Chicken wakes Talon up)  
  
Talon: Hey what's up man? What's chilling?  
  
Link: Okay...........................  
  
Talon: I was delivering milk to the guys in the castle, but I must of dozed off, my baby's gonna kill me!  
  
(Runs off)  
  
Link: Okay....................his baby?  
  
Navi: He probably hasn't realized she grew up.  
  
Link: He's been asleep that long?!?!?!?  
  
Navi: Well.it was an idea.  
  
~navigate past guards~  
  
Link: (To princess Zelda when he gets there) Hi princess, whatcha doing!?!  
  
Zelda: You have those idiotic green clothes! And a stupid Fairy! You must be from the woods!  
  
Link: forest  
  
Zelda: Yeah, whatever. What's your name?  
  
Link: What happens if I say Thadius Ignatious Pignoses Robert Lee Alexandra Bennett?  
  
Zelda: Wow! That sounds familiar!  
  
Link: I'm Zelda.  
  
Zelda: Oh, well that sounds familiar too!  
  
Link: I'm Link.  
  
Zelda: Strange name!  
  
Link: My name isn't strange.  
  
Zelda: I had a strange dream that'll go with your strange name. Do you have the shiny green rock?  
  
Link: No.  
  
Zelda: (looks disappointed with puppy dog eyes) tell me the truth! Do you have it?  
  
Link: No  
  
Zelda: (whispers) say yes (slaphappy voice) Tell me the truth. Do you have it?  
  
Link: No.  
  
Zelda: (smiles) good! I knew you would! I know a secret legend. If you promise not to tell I'll tell you.  
  
Link: don't worry princess. I'll tell the world for you!  
  
Zelda: That's not what I..  
  
Link: I'll ride to Lon Lon ranch, and the far land of clock town, telling everyone of the story so they can be well informed! Then I'll grab Epona and ride to the lake, telling everyone about sliced bread, and little coconuts with little pink flamingo print umbrellas and...  
  
Zelda: No! Don't tell anyone!  
  
Link: All right, all right! I'll close my mouth to never say a word! I'll zip my lips. Nothing shall pass my honorable lips. I won't even think about saying anything. I will stay silent!  
  
Zelda: Just don't tell anyone about what I'm going to tell you.  
  
Link: Okay, if you give me a large cheese pizza.  
  
Zelda: I can't do that!  
  
Link: And why not?  
  
Zelda: we have no cheese!  
  
Link: Why not?  
  
Zelda: I am, I am.. I'm Lactose Intolerant! (Cries hysterically)  
  
Link: It's all right. I'll just have something else instead.  
  
Zelda: Okay. Long ago three flying things shot up from the sky. One was called Dim, one was called Witted, and the last was called Idiot. They made three shiny squares forming three shiny square thingys in the shape of a triangle. Which we shall now call the pyramid.  
  
Link: Wow..  
  
Zelda: I believe that evil man in there is trying to take over the world. You can't miss him. He's green. His name is Ganondork.  
  
Link: If you squint real hard he looks like a frog.  
  
Zelda: cool! But that's not the point! Go ride to find the blue shiny thing, and the red one! (pauses) Have I told you lately that I love you?  
  
Link: Why no you haven't, but feel free my dear.  
  
~the two begin making love in the middle of the courtyard~  
  
Navi: That's just wrong. Why can't I get any lovin'?  
  
~a woman with many pimples walks in~  
  
Zelda: Pimply don't distract me!  
  
Pimply: It's time for you to leave Link.  
  
Link: How do you know my name?  
  
Pimply: Because I love you.  
  
Link: Right.I think I'll show myself to the door.  
  
Zelda: No, you must let Pimply lead you out.  
  
Pimply: (In funny accent) My name is Impa! And I want to make passionate love to you Link.  
  
Link: (runs away with Navi trailing behind him)  
  
Zelda: Oh by the way, remember this song! LA LA LAAA! LA LA LAA!  
  
Link: (still running) remember that for me.Navi.  
  
Navi: (flying along effortlessly) What's in it for me?  
  
Link: I'll make love to you later.  
  
Navi: YES!  
  
Link: Right.Hi ho, hi ho, off to find the stones we go, hum hum hum!  
  
And so ends the long scene two of Links adventure. 


	3. Scene Three

Scene Three: The Fat Ugly Rock Guys  
  
Navi: (looking at Death Mountain) That doesn't look very safe.  
  
Link: Who cares? I want my pretty stone!  
  
Navi: Yeah, cause you lost your first one!  
  
(Owl dude flies overhead)  
  
Owl: Hey! This ain't rock candy! Why you little.  
  
(owl proceeds to attack Link with sharp, pointy teeth.wait owls don't have teeth.)  
  
Navi: Link you idiot! Use your sword!  
  
Link: Oh yeah.  
  
(Link knocks the crap out of the owl, and the owl faints)  
  
Link: Okay Navi, I want you to fly into the owl and get my rock back.  
  
Navi: There ain't no way!  
  
Link: NOW!!!  
  
(Navi grumbles and flies into the owl. She/He comes out empty handed.)  
  
Navi: It's too heavy! I can't carry it!  
  
Link: (groans) Those Goron thingy's have bombs.we could blow the owl up!  
  
Navi: Ok.  
  
~Link picks up the owl and carries it to the Goron place~  
  
Link: HEY! This door won't open! (goes and bangs on it) OPEN IT YOU FART!  
  
(Darunia opens the door)  
  
Darunia: What do you want, crater head?  
  
Link: I need a bomb to blow this owl up.  
  
Darunia: I can't. I'm too depressed. Go learn a song from your green friend and play it for me. Then I'll let you blow up the owl.  
  
Link: I don't wanna! She's my ex-girlfriend and wants me so bad it ain't funny!  
  
Darunia: Well, that means you have the advantage, don't you?  
  
(Link and Navi leave, grumbling)  
  
Back at Kokiri Forest.  
  
~Link goes to Saria's house~  
  
Link: Hey Saria, how you been?  
  
Saria: Link, you love me again?  
  
Link: Darling, I've never been so in love with you.  
  
Saria: Wow.can we get married in like, seven years?  
  
Link: Sure honey, anything you say. I feel as though you should teach me that ocarina song as a symbol of our love.  
  
Saria: Of course, dearest.  
  
~Link learns song, returns to Darunia~  
  
Link: Okay, you ugly rock. Here goes.  
  
~Plays Saria's song~  
  
Darunia: Oh yeah baby! (discoes insanely)  
  
Link: Yeah yeah, sure sure, now give me the bombs!  
  
Darunia: Actually.I don't have any. I'll have to give you the bracelet that allows you to pick them up.  
  
Link: How dare you!!! You fart head!  
  
Navi: Link that's not nice.  
  
Link: I DON'T CARE!  
  
~Navi sniffles~  
  
Navi: I trained him so well.  
  
Link: I don't want to wear a bracelet! I'm not a girl!  
  
Darunia: Look, do you want to be able to pick up bombs or not?  
  
Link: Okay, give me the stupid thing.  
  
~receives Goron's Bracelet, then takes owl and Navi outside, in front of Dodongo's cavern~  
  
Link: Okay we set this little feller here, and then set the bomb down....  
  
~bomb explodes, along with owl and rock covering cavern~  
  
Link: I hope I didn't scratch it.  
  
Navi: You're an idiot.  
  
Link: You gave me the idea!  
  
Navi: Oh.  
  
Link: Well, I got my green shiny stone now.now I guess I go in the little cave thingy bobber.  
  
Navi: Duh!  
  
~Enter Dodongo's cavern~  
  
To make a long story short, they defeat that place and are back outside with Darunia.  
  
Darunia: We're sacred brothers now.  
  
Link: WHAT IN THE HECK? I ain't your brother! Just give me the shiny stone!  
  
Darunia: Not until you admit we are sacred brothers!  
  
Link: (sighs) all right. We can be sacred brothers. Whatever that means.  
  
Darunia: That means we are brothers spiritually, now if you marry my sister.  
  
Link: I didn't know you had a sister, but I think I'll decline. She's probably ugly anyway.  
  
Darunia: You can be my brother from all possible ways!  
  
Link: I knew a man that killed his brother.  
  
Darunia: all right I'll shut up. Here's the shiny stone.  
  
Link: You rock.  
  
Darunia: No I just look like one. Go do whatever you have to do. Oh um.there's a fairy you need to see on top of Death Mountain.  
  
Link: Is it anything like this weirdo? (gestures to Navi)  
  
Darunia: Oh trust me these fairies are like nothing you've ever seen before.  
  
(Link nods and leaves with Navi)  
  
Link: Well it's time to journey up Death Mountain..hey what the *@&$?? (rocks begin falling on the two adventurers)  
  
Navi: RUN!  
  
(the two make a run for the end of the passage)  
  
Link: Stupid Goron, he's trying to kill me.  
  
(go up wall, enter fairy place)  
  
Link: Um.no one's here.  
  
Navi: (muttering) stupid.  
  
Link: What?  
  
Navi: There's a triforce, you have to play the song Zelda taught you.  
  
Link: The one you were supposed to remember?  
  
Navi: Yes! It goes LA LA LAAA!  
  
Link: How am I supposed to play that? You have no pitch!  
  
Navi: Take a whack at it. Maybe it'll work.  
  
Link: (plays the ocarina)  
  
~obscene laughing comes from the water~  
  
Fairy: Well hello. How are you today, my dear?  
  
Link: Boob.boob.boob.  
  
Fairy: Yes they are, would you like to see them?  
  
Navi: He's mine biyotch!  
  
Fairy: Not anymore.  
  
~the two make passionate love~  
  
Navi: Why am I always left out?  
  
Fairy: For that wonderful time I will grant you a magic sword spell. RECEIVE IT NOW!  
  
~Link goes spinny spinny and gets the spell~  
  
Fairy: I have a friend living behind a rock in a hole at Hyrule Castle. You should go show her a good time.  
  
Link: Oh I will.don't worry.  
  
~they leave and journey to the other fairy place doohickey thingymabobber~  
  
Link: (plays the song again)  
  
~more obscene laughter~  
  
Fairy 2: WELL HOWDY Y'ALL!  
  
Link: Oh crap.  
  
~a fairy dressed in a plaid shirt and overalls pops out of the fountain~  
  
Fairy 2: How boutcha give me a kiss?  
  
Link: How about not.  
  
Navi: Do you have a spell for us?  
  
Fairy 2: Only for a kiss.  
  
Link: Navi, kiss her.  
  
Navi: WHAT?!?!  
  
Link: You were complaining about how you didn't get any action now KISS HER!  
  
Navi: (grumbles, kisses Fairy 2 quickly and then speeds back to hide behind Link) Fairy 2: Take this here fire spell. It's called Dim's Fire. Bout how Dim created fire when she accidentally used her magic to set herself on fire.  
  
Link: Right.we're outta here.  
  
~they run off~  
  
And so ends scene three. Cut and that's a wrap! 


	4. Scene Four

Scene 4: Somewhere over the rainbow. or at least somewhere.  
  
Navi: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!  
  
~Link ignores~  
  
Navi: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey Hey!! HEY!!! HEY!!!!!! HEY!!!!!!  
  
Link: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Navi: I forgot.  
  
Link: Stupid fairy!! I could kill you for that! I could tear you shiny sparkly limb by limb until you die I could---  
  
Navi: Oooh!!! I remember now! Let's go learn a song about a horse.  
  
Link: You mean Epona's song?  
  
Navi: Yeah!  
  
Link: No.  
  
Navi: You'll get to see Malon.  
  
Link: Let's hurry up and go already!  
  
~travels to Lon Lon Ranch~  
  
Link: (running into area where Malon is) MALON!  
  
Malon: (spotting Link) LINK!  
  
(they proceed to rush into each others arms and make out with much ferocity)  
  
Navi: Geez, get a room!  
  
Link: (muffled) Fart head.  
  
Malon: (pulling away, looking ashamed) I heard you had a girlfriend.  
  
Link: No way!  
  
(Navi coughs something, sounds like 'liar')  
  
Link: You are my one true love.  
  
Malon: Oh Link!  
  
(Resume making out)  
  
Navi: WHAT ABOUT THE HORSE SONG?  
  
Link: Oh I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.  
  
Navi: I think not.  
  
Malon: (standing up) It goes like this.  
  
~Link learns Epona's song~  
  
Link: Hey! The horse is trying to run me over! RUN AWAY!  
  
(Link stumbles over chickens, chickens begin attacking)  
  
Link: Bye Malon! I love you! Come, trusty fairy!  
  
Navi: Trusty my foot.AAHH CHICKENS!  
  
~leave Lon Lon Ranch~  
  
Link: Ooh look! It's a river!  
  
Navi: Wow, you figured that out all by yourself?  
  
Link: Let's swim in it!  
  
Navi: You can go ahead and drown, I'm continuing saving Hyrule.  
  
Link: YOU'RE saving it? I'm saving it!  
  
Navi: If you're saving it, then come with me!  
  
Link: (grumbling) Afraid of the water.afraid of getting his/her wings wet.  
  
Navi: Shush! Let's go to lake Hylia.  
  
Link: Okay I'll get to go swimming! And in the morning I'm making you waffles!  
  
Navi: I don't like waffles.  
  
Link: You don't?  
  
Navi: No. I'm extremely allergic to them. My wings already itch.  
  
Link: (gasps theatrically) Could it be the great Navi has fleas? You ain't sleeping near me tonight.  
  
Navi: But I love you!  
  
Link: WHAT!!!  
  
Navi: Why else do I torment myself, following you everywhere? I love you Link, I really reeeaaally looooooooovvvve you!  
  
Link: (moves away creeping out) I have a question, are you a boy or a girl.  
  
Navi: Oh, errm, hehhmmm, ahem, never mind let's go to Lake Hylia.  
  
Link: (Raises an eyebrow but follows)  
  
To make a short story shorter they make it to Lake Hylia.  
  
Link: Wheeee! Canon Ball!!!!!  
  
Navi: Wait Link! No! Don't!  
  
Link: Oooooh Looky! A bottle with a thingymajig in it! Let's see what it says.  
  
Navi: It says "Dear Link or whoever happens to be stupid enough to swim in a lake with giant squid. I'm stuck inside Jabu Jabu. I was strip dancing for him while feeding him fish and his appetite got weird and while he was, ahem, trying to be naughty he ate me. Please come rescue me. Ruto the stripper  
  
P.S. Please don't tell my father."  
  
Link: Let's go!  
  
~They go to Zora's Domain~  
  
Link: Hey, King Dude, scoot your butt and let us see Jabu Jabu!  
  
King: None shall pass.  
  
Link: What the-  
  
King: NONE SHALL PASS! Or I'll kick your little-  
  
Navi: But we have a letter from Ruto. Look!  
  
King: Hush Tinkle Bell! She's grounded, go forth to rescue her, if you don't I shall force this owl that has mysteriously revived to follow you everywhere.  
  
Owl That Just Happened To Mysteriously Revive: Who?  
  
King: Link and Tinkle Fell idiot!  
  
Owl: Tinkle fell where?  
  
King: In a chariot! No, that's not right. I shall move over to let them pass, and I shall pass gas! (scoots, farts, scoots, farts, scoots. you get the idea)  
  
Navi: I didn't tinkle recently..  
  
~After rescuing Ruto~  
  
Link: Isn't your boobage too small for you to be a stripper?  
  
Ruto: (In a girly attempt to be sexy) Whatever do you mean?  
  
Link: You know, your boobage, boobery, boobies, booblyness, boobs, breasts, are too small.  
  
Ruto: YOU ANIMAL!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO OFFENDED IN MY LIFE!!! You're the scum of the ocean and chicken of the sea! Will you marry me in seven years?  
  
Link: Will you grow boobs?  
  
Ruto: People will mistake me for Dolly Parton!! Or maybe Silicone Sally at the very least.  
  
Link: Okay!  
  
Ruto: Now I dance and give you a shiny stone, which really casts a spell of love over you, but you don't know that.  
  
Link: Okay.  
  
Ruto: (Dances then kisses and hugs Link, and gives him the stone) Don't forget to marry me!!!  
  
Link:..uhhhh.... I won't.  
  
~ back to the field place~  
  
Owl: I have come to annoy Hoot hoot!!! Ruto will be able to work at Hooters.  
  
Link: That's nice. Bye bye.  
  
Navi: Let's go see Zelda now!  
  
And so ends.. What scene is this anyway.. Oh yes! And so ends scene 4! 


	5. Scene Five

Scene 5  
  
And so, it is time to go find Princess Zelda.  
  
Link: Time to get some.  
  
Navi: WHAT?!?!?  
  
Link: Well me and Zelda we got this thing going on..  
  
Navi: Are you cheating on me?  
  
Link: I never dated you, ya freak.  
  
~Come upon Hyrule Palace, late at night, all closed up, blah blah blah.~  
  
Navi: Hey it's a horsey!  
  
Link: Zelda's on that horse! Zelda baby!  
  
Zelda: Catch this Link! I'm outta here! (throws a blue object into the moat)  
  
Link: Now I'm gonna have to get wet!  
  
Navi: You pansy.  
  
Link: Hey if you want me to make love to you.  
  
Navi: You were going to make love to me?  
  
Link: Yeah, remember scene 2.I mean NO would I ever do that?!?!?  
  
Navi: Hey I remember now! Come to mama!  
  
Link: Mama? I thought you were a guy.  
  
Navi: I'm both.  
  
Link: (shakes his head in despair)  
  
(Ganondork rides by on a horse)  
  
Link: Please feel free to pass sir. I'm sorry if I got in your way your majesty.  
  
Navi: (muttering) pansy.  
  
Link: Hey Navi  
  
Navi: Yes my love?  
  
Link: I'll make love to you twice if you jump in the moat and get the blue thingy.  
  
Navi: I'm not strong enough to lift it, love.  
  
Link: (grumbling, gets blue thingy) Hey man, I'm starting to feel lightheaded. (passes out)  
  
~DREAM SEQUENCE~  
  
Zelda: Link my love.  
  
Link: Zelda I've missed you.make love to me.  
  
Zelda: I can't, it's a dream.  
  
Link: All the more reason.  
  
Zelda: We'll have to wait till we meet again, but I have a song to teach you. LA la LA LA la LA!  
  
Link: What song is that?  
  
Zelda: The song of time. Use it in the Temple of Time to travel to the future to save me.  
  
Link: And then we can make love?  
  
Zelda: Yup.  
  
Link: SWEET!  
  
Zelda: (smiling) goodbye Link.  
  
~Link wakes up with Navi trying to perform mouth to mouth~  
  
Link: Navi, you bum.  
  
Navi: Right. I wasn't doin' nothing wrong. Um.yeah.  
  
Link: We have to get to the Temple of Time.  
  
~the two enter the market and the Temple of Time. The "rock candies" float to the pedestal~  
  
Link: Hey! Those are mine, stupid temple!  
  
Navi: (whispering) Link that was supposed to happen.  
  
Link: How do you know?  
  
~guiltily, Navi pulls out miniature copy of Zelda cheat book~  
  
Link: (sniffles) Navi I trusted you.  
  
Navi: Does that mean I don't get any?  
  
Link: Yup.  
  
Navi: Drat.  
  
Link: You're just screwing yourself over, girl. Or guy. (plays Song of Time, big door opens)  
  
Link: SWEET! (runs inside)  
  
Navi: They say only the true Hero of Time can pull it out. So that means.(pulls out cheat book) we're going forward in time 7 years!  
  
Link: Hey maybe that stripper will finally grow some breasts. (pulls sword)  
  
~and we have another dream/theatric sequence thingy in a shiny place~  
  
Rayru: Wazzup my homie?  
  
Link: Nutin' dude, just chillin.'  
  
Rayru: Yeah, man you be in a totally new time frame. You need to pick up ya new items from the dudes in the hood, and then visit your forest friend. By the way, take my pimp medallion.  
  
~Recieves Pimp Medallion~  
  
Link: Sweet dude, yo, I'll be seein' ya around.  
  
Navi: I feel dumb.  
  
Rayru: No chill, my home dog, just go wit' da flow.  
  
Navi: This isn't in the cheat book.  
  
Link: Man, my girl, don't go wit' dat crap. It'll only mess ya up.  
  
Navi: I'm not a girl.or a guy.  
  
Link: Hey we respect that, yo.  
  
Rayru: Well you get outta here, my dude, and we'll seeya around.  
  
Link: Later, dude.  
  
~wake up in temple of time~  
  
Link: Well, look at me I'm all muscles!  
  
Navi: What was that all about?  
  
Link: Dude, ya gotta chill wit' us in da hood.  
  
Navi: (shakes head in despair)  
  
Link: We need to visit the graveyard to get our hookshot.  
  
Navi: How do you know?  
  
Link: (Pulls out cheat book)  
  
Navi: You have one too? I'm SO PROUD!  
  
~enter market to find a big surprise~  
  
Link: Hey what's with all these new people in the market?  
  
Navi: Maybe you should talk to them.  
  
Link: (walks up to one of them) Hi I'm -  
  
(ReDead begins choking/humping him)  
  
Link: What the - let go of me.(pulls foot back and kicks him)  
  
Navi: I don't like these new people let's get outta here.  
  
Link: WAIT! Cheat book says Sun's Song freezes them.  
  
Navi: We don't know the Sun's Song.  
  
Link: (reading cheat book) we do now. (plays suns song and freezes them, then escape the market.) 


	6. Scene Six

Scene 6: Robbin' da grave  
  
Link and Navi journey to Kakariko's graveyard.  
  
Link: Well we're here.now we just go in this grave.  
  
Navi: Wait just a gosh darn minute. I ain't goin' in no grave.  
  
Link: You're right.  
  
Navi: What?  
  
Link: The "Ain't" and the "No" in that sentence cancel each other out, making you say "I am going in a grave."  
  
Navi: Somebody's been in English class too long.  
  
Link: And the funny thing is I was made in Japan (skeptical look) go figure.  
  
Navi: What do we do in (gulp) there.  
  
Link: We chase Dampe around and get the hookshot.  
  
Navi: Whatever.  
  
~Link and Navi enter the grave and find an extremely giddy man~  
  
Link: Uhh hi there.  
  
Dampe: Hey guess what I'm dead and really fast and I have an item you really want and one time I ate a seagull and when it came out the other end the beak was still there so it really hurt -  
  
Link: You stupid ghost. I'm gonna race you to get it.  
  
Dampe: Ok let's go!  
  
~the two race, Link wins, blah blah.~  
  
Dampe: You little shit! How'd you beat me? (swells up to gargantuan size) I'M GONNA EAT YOU!  
  
Link: (falls to his knees) please Mr. Dampe sir, don't hurt me! Eat the fairy!  
  
Navi: What'd I do?  
  
Link: It's all Navi's fault!  
  
Navi: He's right - you are a little shit.  
  
Dampe: (turning to Navi) Yes he is and I find him extremely annoying and I wish I could grind his bones to sausage but I can't cause I'm a ghost and have no physical properties whatsoever and (during this time Link is stealing the hookshot) sometimes I wish I was alive again but not really I think I like being dead.  
  
Link: I got it! Let's get out of here!  
  
~Link and Navi escape~  
  
Navi: Little shit. What's next?  
  
Link: My horsey.  
  
Navi: Right.  
  
~They journey to Lon Lon Ranch. Outside Malon is waiting, fully matured.~  
  
Link: Holy crap! She's got breasts!  
  
~Malon saunters over, wearing a tight, revealing dress.~  
  
Malon: (sultrily) hello sexy.  
  
Link: Boob, boob, boob, boob. (reaches outward)  
  
Malon: (pulling away) you left me for seven years. You need to make it up to me. I was so lonely and didn't have no one to play with.  
  
Link: I'll play with you all you want now. I'll make up for the 7 years of not playing with you.  
  
Navi: (rolls eyes) Don't you want the horse?  
  
Link: My hormones are more important at the moment. Pleeaaseeee Malon?  
  
Malon: (with a giggle) ok.  
  
~two words - alfresco sex~  
  
Malon: Well that was wonderful.Let me go kick Ingo out of the ranch and Epona will be all yours.  
  
~Ingo runs out of the ranch sweating minutes later~  
  
Link: How'd you get him to do that?  
  
Malon: (smiling) I told him to go to Zora's Domain and wait naked where the waterfall was. I told him I'd be there for him shortly, faster if he got there quicker.  
  
Link: I read the cheatbook! Zora's Domain is frozen!  
  
Malon (naughtily) I know. He'll freeze it off before I have to actually go through with it.  
  
~Epona jumps out of Lon Lon Ranch and neighs Link~  
  
Link: Well, it's time to head back to Kokiri forest. I'll come back for you Malon.  
  
Malon: You'd better, and if it's in another 7 years I'll be pissed.  
  
Link: Trust me, it'll be sooner.  
  
~Link, Navi, and Epona ride off into the sunset~ 


	7. Scene Seven

Scene Seven  
  
(Link, Navi and Epona reach Kokiri Forest. Which is overrun by monsters ~gasp~ shock! Who would've known?)  
  
Link: What the F*&%?????  
  
Navi: Link, dammit, there are children in the audience!  
  
Link: .?  
  
Navi: Ignore these monsters, we're heading for the Scared Forest Meadow.  
  
Link: Scared? I thought it was Sacred.  
  
Navi: Oh trust me, you'll realize why.  
  
(Link and Navi reach the Scared Forest Meadow)  
  
Link: Well this don't look too scary.(walks out in the middle of the path and gets rammed by one of those big brown guys) SHIIIIIIIIITT!!!!!!!  
  
Navi: Told ya you'd be scared.  
  
Link: (grumbling) OK I'll be more careful now.  
  
(Link henceforth hookshots the guys in the back before making the mad dash, and after that defeats the big guy with the club, blah blah blah.enters the Forest Temple)  
  
Link: Well this isn't so bad.(enters main room, four poes float up to greet him)  
  
Poe 1: We are the Four Temptresses.  
  
Poe 2: We are here to seduce you.  
  
Poe 3: And if you please us in the right way.  
  
Poe 4: We'll give you the Sexy Medallion.  
  
(P. 1 turns into Zelda, P. 2 turns into Malon, P. 3 turns into Ruto, P. 4 turns into Saria)  
  
Link: (rubbing his hands together) This is gonna be too easy man.being Hero of Time rocks!  
  
Zelda: Hi Link.won't you come a little closer?  
  
Link: Well of course! (Proceeds to Zelda)  
  
Malon, Ruto, Saria: What about us?  
  
Link: Come on, we can all have fun together!  
  
Malon: You asked Zelda first.sniff.  
  
Saria: Does that mean you don't love the rest of us as much?  
  
Ruto: It's because I'm in child form right now and don't have breasts.I knew it.  
  
Link: No girls, I swear! I love you all equally!  
  
Zelda: He doesn't love us.he just wants us!  
  
Ruto: And needs us!  
  
Saria: And is going to use us!  
  
Navi: Oh shit, I feel a song coming on.  
  
(All start up into the Meat Loaf classic "Two out of Three Ain't Bad)  
  
Link: I want you  
  
Girls: I want you  
  
Link: I need you  
  
Girls: I need you  
  
Link But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, now don't be sad.  
  
Girls: Don't be sad.  
  
Link: Cause two outta three ain't bad.  
  
Girls: Sniff.he sang for us! How sweet! Let's screw him!  
  
(Sex, sex, sex.it's all you ever think about!!!)  
  
Approximately an hour later.  
  
Girls: Here! Take the sexy medallion!  
  
Saria: (walks forward and hands him the Sexy Medallion) I am the Sexy Sage. Rayru was the Pimp Sage. I'm headed for where he is now.in the place of the Sages. I lend my power to yours with this medallion.  
  
Link: (receives Sexy Medallion) WOW! I feel so much more.sexy!  
  
Saria: The rest of the girls were merely illusions so they will have no memory of this event. Goodbye Link.  
  
(Saria + the other girls disappear)  
  
Navi: You are such an unimaginable.all you want is.  
  
Link: Yes Navi, I know. But hey, I'm the Hero of Time. I have to try to please everyone (wicked smile)  
  
Navi: PLEASE ME! PLEASE ME!  
  
Link: Uh.you don't count cause you are the.uh.Companion of Time.  
  
Navi: Damn. 


	8. Scene Eight

Before Scene 8  
  
Link: Hmm, ultimate codes. Super animation. I can do that with coffee! (Link drinks several cups.)  
  
Navi: Link! Don't do that. Hey. Codes? Does that mean our existence has been meaningless?  
  
Link: Hey! Navi, you'll like this one. Shut up Navi!  
  
Navi: No! I mean, um, Sheik kind of forgot to teach us the Prelude of Light. Let's put the cheat for knowing that on. We don't want to let our fans down by getting stuck. In fact, have we even met Sheik?  
  
Link: Um, now we have.  
  
Sheik: [imitates Impa's (Pimply's) accent] I'm Sheik, I had some issues getting disguised. I mean, um, dressed. It's very hard you know.  
  
Navi: Link, I think there's something suspicious about. Well, Sheik doesn't look like, um, Sheik has a gender.  
  
Sheik: I'm a manly woman.  
  
*~Link and Sheik precede to make out~*  
  
Link: She's definitely a girl.  
  
Navi: There's something fishy about her though.  
  
Link: I had a fishy in a bottle once. I think Jabu Jabu ate it though.  
  
Navi: We need to go to the fire temple! We need to go to the fire temple! We need to go to the fire temple! We need to go to the fire temple! We need to go to the fire temple! We need to go to the fire temple! We need to go to the fire temple! We need to go to the fire temple!  
  
Link: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! ALL RIGHT!  
  
Scene 8 In Da Fire Temple  
  
*~Link and Navi enter fire temple~*  
  
Navi: Link! LOOK OUT FOR THE FIRE BATS!!  
  
Link: What fire bats-ARRRGH!  
  
*~Link and Navi enter unlocked door~*  
  
Darunia: (in a gravelly old man voice) Link.its been so long, boy.Where have you been for these seven years? I'd like to have a man to man talk with you.but  
  
Link: But what?  
  
Darunia: Your wearing green tights.  
  
Link: very TIGHT tights.  
  
Darunia: Gannondorf is going to feed rock candy-I mean my people- to an evil dragon.  
  
Link: I LIKE rock candy!  
  
Darunia: Are your tights too tight, Link?  
  
Darunia: We need to drop the hammer on Gannondorf..if only we had it!  
  
Darunia: I'm asking you to help me as my swearing, I mean sworn brother.  
  
Link: @#$@#$@#$@! Find your own f#@#$#@ hammer.  
  
Darunia: Save my rock candy, I mean people! The candy, I mean prisoners cells are in the opposite direction. I am counting on you Link! 1 2 3 4 5 ( Darunia continues to count on fingers)  
  
*~Link stalks away muttering "hard headed old @@#$%@#$@%$@#"~*  
  
Navi: You wouldn't be so grouchy if you would trade those tights for some pants!  
  
*~They go and free all of the rock candy.~*  
  
Navi: Finally! We reached the enemy!  
  
Link: Finally! You can shut the @#@#$@$@# up!  
  
*~Beats enemy~*  
  
Navi: Oooohh.. The mountain exploded.  
  
*~In the temple of sages~*  
  
Darunia: Thank you swearing, um sworn brother for saving my rock candy from melting! Even though you wear tights, I guess you're a real man.  
  
Link: I'm a real man! Football! Ooh Ooh hoo!  
  
Darunia: I'm the grandfather, erm, Sage of Fire. Isn't that funny. This must be destiny! I feel suddenly religious, like a bishop or something. I'm the Pope of Fire Man! I'm no longer a cannibal, I mean rock candy eater. Nothing has made me happier than seeing a man brave enough to wear tights while sealing evil away. Now, take this Fiery Love Medallion. And win yourself a nice goron girl, perhaps my niece.  
  
Link: Erm, thank you I guess, but I've already got, erm, a few girlfriends.  
  
*~Link gets Fiery Love Medallion~*  
  
Navi: Let's go to the water temple now.  
  
Link: Nope, I'm going to eat potato chips, watch football, and read more about this code thing.  
  
Navi: Link!  
  
Link: All right!  
  
And so ends Scene 8 


End file.
